A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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