my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
