i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He passed out mid-signature
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
