Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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