By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
