I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
