were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
