Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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