Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
