so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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