Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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