between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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