So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
