I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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