Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Enjoy the penises
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
