No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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