Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its not stalking. its research.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
