She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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