Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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