My hand turned me down
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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