i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
literally had 100 drinks last night.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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