don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I currently don't understand fingers.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
