Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
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I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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