I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
