I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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