Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
