sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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