Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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