I think i peed on brittanys purse
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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