i think i have herpe
just one?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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