i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.