My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no