My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I will be naked everywhere
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
