Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
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we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
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Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can you come over?
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.