did you get engaged???
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
