dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
