saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
