at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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