Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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