I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i believe in u and ur pee
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
