i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
