On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
