She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
