In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
