Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
