woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
