Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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