I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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