She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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