Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Life without a bra equals bliss.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
