You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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