he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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