Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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