His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
