My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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