so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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