we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
